I don’t know what this post is or where it is going, but I have things to say and I’m going to say them.
The majority of my life I hid everything that ever bothered me in a little ball inside myself. Over the years that ball grew and every thing that bothered me was added to that ball. At the beginning of this year that ball became a planet. I stopped and restarted posting again and again and I felt inside that I had no hope.
I felt like I was stuck. Stuck in an apartment building in an area that I don’t feel safe in. Stuck having to work a job I don’t like. Stuck alone, because I systematically let go of every friend I had (except for one). Even speaking to that friend made me feel small and hopeless, because he always told me to strive for more (which should have and was a good thing). To tell him that all life was dealing me was less and less made everything feel like failure. I have always appreciated his belief in me, but it was always a double edged sword. Sometimes, I just want to pretend everything is fine just to escape the eventual argument I know was never far behind.
For a long time, I felt like I was drifting with nothing to keep me steady. Everyone in my family had their own hurts and when everyone is suffering the same thing in different ways it’s hard to remember that we should be able to comfort each other instead being stuck in our own minds. It also didn’t help that I can’t help but be honest when I’m hurting and not only was I hurting, but I was angry. Angry at my situation. Angry that it felt like there was nothing I could do. Angry that I could not find a way to be happy with myself. Nothing good came from that anger.
Online, I always made sure to share positivity. I present as much of the best parts of myself as I can and at a certain point that got exhausting, but the community made it so I always came back. I don’t like to always talk about the things that have been hard for me. It makes me feel like I’m being dramatic and somehow ungrateful. My life isn’t so bad. I know many who have it much worse, but with new tornado after new tornado hitting almost daily I felt like crumbling. I didn’t feel like I had the strength to take on the reality that I was facing, but I held on to the facts. I had a roof over my head, a family who loved me, a job, and many many books.
I guess what I really wanted to say was that that something in me that was fed up with moping.. that something in me that needed to prove that I could make it.. I am so grateful for it. It pushed me forward to try again and again and again until I got to a few weeks ago.. where one friend became several.
One after another sprinkles of love fell into my life. Even as I realize that no it isn’t a cure all, but it makes taking steps forward every single day a million times easier. I am not alone. My situation is not hopeless. I have authors, buddies to read with, a girl whose prayers I feel in my heart, and a guy, a great guy who is honest, kind, and generous in ways that I have never known from anyone else.
In these past few weeks I have found some peace. I still falter. I am still afraid, but I know now that the future is brighter than ever. I have so many things to look forward to. I have my family. I have dreams. I have plans to make those dreams a reality. These moments will make me stronger. For once in a very long time I can honestly say that I am happy. I have so many people to thank for that.
I have these cards I’ve been given and all of them are neither good nor bad. I just need to use them. Instead of giving in and letting events roll over me. I need to roll with them and keep getting back up when I’m knocked down. I need to believe in myself as much as others have believed in me.
I will get back on track with my life. Fear, anger, sadness… I can’t help the feelings starting up, but I can try to control my action and reaction when they occur. I can choose to make each moment better than the last. I will choose to be better.
Thanks for reading! I had a review I was supposed to write today, but I had to get all this off my chest. I will continue to try to make things light, but when stuff like this gets lodged up I won’t be afraid to let it be free. I need that ball in my chest to be lessened. Till I can say that it no longer is something that could consume me.
As always, let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!