I had many a blog post I could have and probably should have written for today and honestly I don’t even know what I’m going to say right now. I don’t know to the point where I’m going to surprise myself I’m sure.
I have all this crazy energy inside me.. I don’t know what to do with it. I want to do so much of everything and then at the same time my head is so all over the place that I end up doing very little. I start something and I stop and I think it’s because what I really want to do right now is something that just isn’t possible.
That’s a common theme in my life. Wanting to do something, but I can’t. Having to wait until the time where I can pursue a specific goal or try something new. Actually I hold back a lot on asking for things that I want. I don’t express my interest in a lot of things because I don’t want anyone to go out of there way for me. I don’t want to make anyone’s life any more difficult then it already is. Especially with my family. I do my best to never complain. But I also do my best to stop myself from saying I want a certain pair of shoes or clothing.. or really much of anything. I’m only ok with asking for books sometimes cause I know how to shop for them super super cheaply.. or I satisfy myself with entering giveaways.. which I have a tendency to win.
Recently, what I want most in the world is so simple and yet it is going to be impossible for a long while. My relationship with my boyfriend is long distance. All I want to do is see him and be able to hold him. Yet, it feels more of a selfish thing to ask then me showing my interest in items at a store. My greatest joy is found in his smile. I can’t stop thinking or writing about him.
Before him, my life, my blog, everything was so different.. The way I saw the world was different. So many of you have noticed that I have been drawn to writing increasingly personal posts recently. This blog was once about all things writing, poetry, and books.. all about books. Yet now, I just have this burning desire to share how I feel. To bring you all into the crazy that has become my life. The crazy that always was my life before, but is what I kept hidden.
Before I made my life about doing the things I love. Writing stories.. stories that might help others and let them escape into worlds as books have always done for me, and still I want to do those things and I am doing those things, but I also have this person that I want to make happy more then anyone else in the world. I wasn’t like this before. I never thought I’d be the kind of person who couldn’t stop talking about the one they loved in any place and to anyone they could. I was never one to place all of my happiness in another person’s hands because that’s a great way of getting your heart broken. Plus, I needed to be able to be happy on my own and anyone that knows me would say that I was. It’s just.. having him there.. he’s so passionate about everything he loves. His excitement is contagious. He’s the person that brings me from full to overflowing and I can’t say how grateful I am to him for that.
Anyway.. even as far away from me as he is he makes me feel like the happiest girl alive. I simply am filled with the need to taste even an ounce of the happiness I would have with him face to face. All this energy I have to take on life is because of him. Sometimes I want to stop myself from doing something now because it feels weird without him there. I notice his absence everywhere. I just really want to be able to sit down next to him and have a conversation face to face. To be able to reach out and touch him whenever I want to. It is truly something I’ve never felt before. Yet at the same time everything I do I receive more enjoyment from. Music sounds more beautiful. Conversations are easier. My relationship with my family better. My laughter and smile far more frequent then ever before.
All of these things are things he already knows. He knows just how happy he makes me. He knows just how deeply I feel for him and I won’t ever stop telling him any of it. I am happier then I’ve been in years. Yet it doesn’t stop me from wishing he was here.
I think I’m writing this to you all now to say one thing. Us book lovers have read about a thousand different relationships. We have ideas of what Love looks like and what kind of love we want for ourselves. We dream about it and we hope for it (unless of course your aro.. I’m not excluding you here). Yet nothing compares to what falling in love actually feels like. Real love found with someone that cares as much for you as you do for them feels better then any novel. In a way, I don’t think a book can properly showcase it, but writers will try and try all into the rest of the world’s existence to encompass what it is to feel love because there is no emotion more powerful. If your in love with someone or have ever loved anyone you know what I’m talking about. Where the movies and the books seem like pale imitations compared to the real deal. If you haven’t found that yet and it is something you dream about know that someday you will find it. Honestly I wasn’t looking for it.. didn’t even want it.. yet sometimes life has plans for you and when something is this beautiful you can’t ever turn it away. I could never turn him away.
I don’t know how often I’ll write posts like this one. I am so lost in my feeling right now I can’t quite stand it. I know the past few posts I’ve talked a bit about all this already, but honestly I’m at a point where I just can’t help myself. I want to shout at the world.. love is real! Love is real! It’s the most incredible thing in the world. It’s out there for anyone who wishes for it, but it comes not when you dictate it to, but when it needs to be. I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is trying to fabricate love for themselves and putting their all into the wrong people… people who don’t lift them up or treat them right. We all deserve a love that is good. All of us. I feel like one of the luckiest people on earth to have found it as early as I did.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.
-Till next time!