No fun photo for this blog post. No pretending. No sugarcoating. No making things out to be more or less then they are. This is what’s been happening and I have no idea what to do about it. I have no idea how to move forward with my life. My brain is having problems with processing everything and I don’t know what to do.
First, my dad. My dad went into the hospital and we had no idea what was going on with him until finally they did an MRI and we found out he’d had 3 mini strokes. These strokes affected his personality and has made him more prone to lash out and be angry. He is now home after a few days in the hospital where me and my family stayed by his side pretty much the entirety of the time of his stay.
The reason we took my dad to the hospital in the first place was he had a lot of pain all over his body and he was hallucinating. He would try and dial on his phone and his phone wasn’t there. He’d see things that weren’t there and he couldn’t see or recognize what was in front of him. That alone has been one of the scariest, painful, heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to witness.
Secondly, I had talked about having such a happy time in the months past. I was enjoying life and I was in love (I still love this person, but it doesn’t really make a difference here). He ghosted me the day before my dad was taken into the hospital. There was no warning. No talk about why. Nothing. Not even a short I can’t do this anymore. I wish I’d had that. But, the worst of it is I keep trying to rationalize it in my head. I keep trying to think to myself that it was due to bad timing or due to the fact that my parents do not approve of him or our relationship.
In the end, his reason why doesn’t matter. My belief that it wasn’t because he stopped loving me doesn’t matter. He made his choice. He made his choice and instead of owning up to it he left me in the dark. What it’s told me is there is no way I can get back into a relationship with someone after that. He left and in such a way that it is 100% permanent. Accepting that has been terribly difficult for me. After everything, him leaving just made me want to forget. Yet, I don’t blame him. I had gotten angry, but the anger has mostly gone. All around situationally things weren’t good, even if to each other we’d never fought or hurt each other (until he left). I will never regret the time we had together. It sucks that it had to be cut off so short.
Thirdly, I have been increasingly unhappy with my job and I had been forgetting what I wanted for my life. I want to be an author and I’m not really writing so much. I don’t want to work retail and little jobs here and there for the rest of my life. I want to write books that inspire others. Yet with my situation I’ve been too sad to even want to do anything at all.
Fourthly, my mental health has taken a bad turn. I have felt sad pretty much all the time. I worry about everything and I don’t feel like facing life. That’s been the hardest thing for me. Seeing myself go down as everything feels like it’s fallen apart. Everyday it feels like something new and sucky comes into my life. But, I don’t want to make that my story. I don’t want my future to be that life defeated me. I have so much I want to do with my life. So much I want to see. I need to work on feeling ok on my own. On letting myself be happy. On working on the projects I want to work on. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to let go of the idea of the guy I fell for coming back into my life. I’m going to let myself move on. I’m going to enjoy the time I have with my dad and with my family. I’m going to write. One day, the things that are meant to be will happen. I will have a happy future and one day I hope to find someone that I can be truly happy with to live out all my dreams with. I’m so done with feeling all the pain. I’m going to do what I need to to be happy.
Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!
-Till next time!