Doing Instead of Fearing

The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.

Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.

Speaking of if you wish to support me and my family while also getting some awesome, delicious smelling candles order at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SistersOfTwilight

However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.

The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.

All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.

The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.

So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.

But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.

So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

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Transgender Law Center 

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Link to bail funds to donate to!

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Writing A Novel For My Dad

A long time ago I talked about my dad being very sick. I haven’t mentioned it in a long time mostly dealing with it on my own, but the other night and yesterday afternoon my dad had two episodes that seemed to indicate new mini strokes. I don’t know for sure if that is exactly what it was he didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, but it reminded me all the same that my time on this earth with my dad is limited.

I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad, but I know I want to make the best of it. I know there are certain parts of my life he will never experience by my side. However, one thing I hope he does experience is me writing a book and seeing if I can get it published. My dad is a big part of why I love stories and it’s funny too because he doesn’t like books. Growing up he used to tell me all these fantastic stories.

The other love he taught me was for animals. Especially for insects and among them most importantly to have a love and respect for bees. So, I really want to write and dedicate my bee book idea to my dad.

I know my dad will most likely never read it. He’s blind in one eye and further loosing vision in the other due to his strokes. He never had much patience for reading, but I want him to know that I wrote something for him. Inspired by the love he passed down to me.

Yesterday when I got home from work he talked to me and called me his Angel. That morning he had told me to think positive. So as hard as that is for me I will try. I will put my dad energy into doing something that will make him proud. At the very least have a first draft I can print out and put into his hands. So he would know how much his love has always meant to me.

I love my dad so much. I know cancer and the strokes have changed him so much, but nothing has ever changed his love for me. Even when he’s mad at my mom or wanting someone or something to blame for his illness when I come into the room he still treats me like his little girl.

I know my dad wants me always to remain strong. To always think positive no matter what and to pursue my dreams. So that’s exactly what I’ll do for the rest of my life. During my time on earth with him and during the time he passes on and I will carry him living inside my heart forever more.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Writing this brought me to tears, but it also helped me feel a sense of resolve. My one wish is that this post inspires those reading to be there for their loved ones now and to think positive. Thank you all for being here.

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER

Check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Finally Healing An Injury

For several months now I’ve been suffering the beginnings and then the full blown pains of tendinitis. It’s a work injury from doing the same things over and over again quickly without enough rest. Besides, also not having done too much besides ice it to help heal the injury.

Finally, my mom bought me a few things that all used in tandem will heal my wrist. The pain is all from inflammation in pretty much all the hand and wrist muscles.

First, I am icing my wrists with gel packs. This reduces inflammation.

Second, I will be using a blood flow stimulation therapy at the very least morning and night for the next coming months. This will allow blood flow while my wrist is resting and bring all the good stuff my wrists need to heal to the injured area. Also, allowing the bad stuff to be carried away from the area.

At work I’ll be using medical support tape to reduce strain on the tissue and prevent further injury. As well as taking Advil every 6 hours to reduce swelling and pain.

It feels daunting because I feel like it’ll take a good long time for healing to really take place. However, I have a plan. Which is well more then the just reduce pain as much as possible thing I was doing before. I’ve been pretty much just further hurting the injury for a long while.

Taking care of oneself is so important. Realizing your limits, mentally and physically and not pushing those boundaries when it’s only causing damage is important. We can do our best and strive for amazing things, but we also need to feel like we’re doing good for our bodies and minds too when burnout happens.

This is a lesson for myself as well as an excitement of finally.. one day soon my wrists will be pain free. I’ll be able to exercise with them again. Ill be able to do tasks freely without pain. I’ll feel like I can finally move forward and being more myself and doing things like yoga that make all of my body feel so good.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

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A Retry of An Old Routine

Hello everyone!

Right now for me it is almost 6 am. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and it’s the first time I’ve done so in well over a year. Once upon a time, this was how I was able to complete all my goals for the day and be able to nap later on and have a few hours of pure enjoyment in the nighttime!

When I wake up like this I always get my writing done. Later on in the day it’s easy for me to feel exhausted after work and say it’s time to relax and I don’t blame myself. It is the time to allow myself some peace. So the solution is to wake up earlier.

From now on, I should be able to post far more often, even daily. This blog was always meant to have very frequent posts and while for a while I needed to let myself be, it’s time to come back to my passions.

So that’s why even though it’s earlier then I’ve gotten up in ages and I should be sleepy right now, I am excited. I am smiling. I am ready to go after my dreams.

Thank you all for coming along this journey with me! It’s going to be wonderful every step of the way.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

I Need to Catch Up

I have so much on my plate right now. So much I want to do. So much I want to read. My tbr is so long and it feels at this point I won’t catch up, but I want to try.

One of the things that’s been weighing on me is this feeling of overwhelment that comes over me especially with the hours I’m working and just how much there is to do. I can’t quite do as much in a day as I used to. My mind is drained. My body wanting rest.

Yet, there’s that guilt I feel because I want so much to read and review those books I have because I know I’ll love so many of them and I know how much reviews mean to publishers and authors alike.

Right now, I’m taking things day by day. I need to. I keep taking every moment that is hard and piling it on top of the other and I can’t keep doing that to myself.

This is my promise to myself. To take it all step by step. To do the very best I can and to give my mine the rest it needs. To focus on feeling better and just slowly working through what I have and building a new momentum in my life.

For now I’ll start by finishing the library book I’m reading “The Lamb Will Slaughter The Lion”. Then read “Saints and Misfits” because I have limited time to read it. Then, finish “The Unstoppable Wasp” because I’m pretty close to finishing that one and it’s a Sam Maggs book and I love her.

As for starting to write a book. I think I’ll make it a point that every day, once I’m fully ready to go for the day I spend at least 15 minutes writing. Otherwise, I’ll make excuses and it won’t happen. I know exactly which book is calling to me to write right now. So, all that’s left to do is give myself that time.

Thank you all for reading! I feel so much better after writing this. I can do this. It’ll all be in time.

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

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Check out my Instagram and Twitter

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Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

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New Beginning

Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.

I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.

The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.

Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.

So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.

So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.

So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.

Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

February Goals

February is a lovely month. There’s Valentine’s Day to celebrate with the ones you love. It’s typically a shorter month, but it does feel sweet.

This month, I want to enjoy everything that I can. I’ve already started it off by finishing futurama season 2. I’m excitedly going through my remaining story quests on Genshin Impact to prepare for the new update that’ll bring in lots of new and fun stuff and events. Version 1.3 is going to be amazing!

I also want to get back into a workout routine this month so I will be beginning a yoga workout program. Working on my flexibility and strength at the same time will be great for me.

The two books I’m hoping to finish reading this month are “The Unstoppable Wasp” by Sam Maggs and “Shadow and Bone” by Leigh Verdugo in preparation for when the new Netflix series comes out.

I’m getting back into taking my bookstagram pictures and I’m enjoying that so far. As, well as doing Duolingo Spanish more consistently.

Mostly, this month will be about feeling good and also getting back to many of the things that bring me joy.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Good Riddance to 2020

2020 was an awful year. I think all of us can agree on that. It’s also been a particularly strange year. There’s been some questionable things that have happened this year.

I’m happy to say good bye to 2020. I can’t say I’m not terrified of what’s to come. There’s certain things that I know have to come eventually and currently I’m not ready for it. Christmas Day my dad had to be taken to the hospital. He has been battling cancer for a long while now and we learned that the tumor has made his prostate the size of a small watermelon when it’s only supposed to be the size of a walnut. Which causes all kinds of complications in the body.

Also, the doctors never told us if his cancer has spread or not. Or if his bleeding was solely because his prostate is so large. Also, the fear of my mom taking my dad to the emergency room as Covid is out of control was some of the most terrifying anxiety I’ve ever experienced. The good news is he is home now and they are going to figure out if he is viable for surgery or not.

Fear. Fear for me is what drove 2020. Fear and hope and just doing my best to be happy and somehow having those wonderful happy moments I’ll cherish forever within this year.

This year has been exhausting and yet I’ve looked forward to each day because yes the world is terrible right now, but I can’t let myself seek in too despair constantly because what’s the point otherwise? I take comfort in the things I can do. The moments I can enjoy. Because those moments are what make life worth living.

This year I found a wonderful person I love and friends that have been amazing. People who have all made me laugh and feel a little lighter. People I’m proud to have by my side.

Covid has changed the world. Both slowed down and accelerated my life. Made me terrified and yet made me want to love those around me harder.

It’s a terrible year and yet it’s changed my life in good ways too. I have memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my life from this year. Yet, moments that will forever be remembered by the anxiety and fear I felt while living them.

2020 has brought out a lot of the worst in many people. A lot of a ‘who cares’ attitude that puts families like mine at risk. That fear will carry into 2020, because the pandemic isn’t over and I know it won’t be for a long while.

I’m happy to have the people in my life I have in my corner. Together, we’ve survived 2020. That in and of itself is enough of an accomplishment.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!

Starting Over: A Book A Day (Yes I Failed)

So mental health is something I’ve continually been dealing with. When I started this challenge I kept it up for three days and it was great. Stuff happens and I took some days off for my mental health. Now I’m starting again. I know I’m capable and that this could work really well.

On another note, this also meant I missed out on my blogs anniversary.

I’ve been doing this for four years. Incredible how fast time flies. What this blog has brought to me. The opportunities. The people. The friendships. Even the first significant other I’d had. Even if it didn’t last and everything’s changed now. It all sparked from here. Writing mostly whatever I wanted on The Book Raven. Plus, a whole ton of book stuff.

I feel like for the sake of all that I deserve to give this challenge a real go again. Read a ton of amazing books. Maybe read some slower then others and to be gentle with myself. The highlight of the challenge was reading Wilder Girls in a day. God it was an amazing book. I’m going to review it tomorrow.

Every new day is an opportunity to do what you want to do. To try again. The past three days I’ve spent hardcore playing Genshin Imapact which has been AMAZING and I’ll continue playing it until I find this games ending and honestly I have no idea if it does have an ending as it stands. It’s just so much fun. It has a wonderful story and it’s so creative with doing things so your never bored. I love it!

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give myself a restart and do my best. I know I’ll read plenty of amazing books in the process!

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!

Coming Back to Blogging

I have written this post more times then I could count in the past. When my life changes I continually feel the need to step inward and quietly come to understand and grow on my own. Yet, I always have found great value in being open online. Sharing my experiences and thoughts on stories, films, current issues, and my life. I’ve missed being on here. So, yes I am returning and this time I imagine I’m here to stay for a good long time.

Someone important in my life told me all I need to do is start and this is me doing just that starting. I have abandoned many things I love in recent times out of a fear. A fear that I’m not good enough. That I don’t deserve to try and be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do. A fear that I’m going to get things wrong. But the truth is I am going to get things wrong at time and I am going to mess up, but my passion for writing. My passion for telling stories that will never leave me.

Life is but a tiny spec of dust in the grand scheme of the universe. I want to make the most use of my tiny spec. There’s life and beauty in even the smallest of creatures in existence. I want to live life as fully as I can. With as much joy as I can.

This is a part of that joy. Discussing books. Promoting authors. Talking about writing and the journey of it. It’s a wonderful thing. So here I am again. Just me, my phone, and many many thoughts. I’m back and it feels so good to be.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

If you love my content and wish to offer me extra support by me a Kofi on my donation page!