Choosing to Live Life Fully

After being sick for a while, I forgot once more the state of mind I had gotten myself to just before I got sick. For some reason, being sick brought out a lot of the anxious thoughts and emotions I had been feeling for a while prior. But, it is time to let those thoughts go. To set them free and give them away. They are not serving me any.

I’m living my life to the fullest this year. I may have stumbled at the start, but I’m not going to let that stop me. There is so much in this life to appreciate and enjoy so I’m going to enjoy them.

I just needed to write this to remind myself of the path I wish to take. To live my life fully, unapologetically, and without regrets. It might be a while till I can embrace this fully, but I’m going to try and try until that is my reality. Because, I want to live the life I choose.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Why I Took an Unplanned Hiatus

Hello everyone!

I’m finally ready to come back to the blogging community. It’s been a while. A lot longer then I would have liked, but a lot has happened recently and I’m now ready to talk about it.

So, at first I took this hiatus because I had an issue at work with a coworker and the whole thing stressed me out because even though what happened was totally uncalled for there was the fear that I might loose my job. However, it’s all straightened out now and me and that coworker no longer work on the same shifts.

After that I got really sick. At one point I went to the emergency room because I was having panic attacks because when I coughed I felt like I couldn’t breath. I woke up at 5:00 am that day and could not sleep because of how bad my sinuses were. I’m still a little under the weather, but I’m much better now.

So in the time I haven’t been blogging I decided to do something I enjoyed while I was awake. Which was to finally watch all the movies in the marvel cinematic universe. I had been wanted to do this for a while, but never knew what order to go in and had only watched iron man, the hulk, and the guardians of the galaxy movies before setting myself on this quest. Today I finally finished all of them and so I’m going to do a blog series about my thoughts.

There is one more thing I want to talk about. During this time sitting just with myself I went through a lot of emotional purging and understandings. One thing is for certain. My mental health gravely impacted my sickness. Mental health issues aren’t to be messed with. They are real and they are strong and they can mess with you. They can be overcome. However, I had given into my own for a while. I let anxiety and depression run the wheel of my life for too long thinking those thoughts were there to protect me when they were lies.

Currently, I’m working on getting back to a better schedule and creating opportunities to talk about things that make me happy, rather then focusing on my losses. It’s been more difficult for me then I thought it would be, but giving myself projects to work on and getting back into reading and writing should all be helpful.

Depression and anxiety are a part of my reality, much like others deal with bipolar disorder, various phobias, and any other mental health issue. But, it does not define me. It makes my life harder. It makes the relationships I have more difficult then they should be, but in working to heal it I become stronger. I’m going to live my life moment by moment. I’m going to keep hope and faith in my life. I’m going to live everyday of my life as if it were my last. I think the more I do so the smaller the hold anxiety and depression will have on me.

There was a time that I thought my mental health journey wouldn’t affect my life that much. Where I made it smaller then it was. I allowed it to sneak up on me and take control. From now on I take the reigns. I’m determined to make each day something I can look back and smile about from now on. I spent way too much time while I was sick stuck in waves of negative emotion and then flipping back into more positive emotion. I’m going to stick to the positive as much as possible from now on.

Thanks for reading! It’s good to be back finally. Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Today is my dad’s birthday. I want to take this time to talk about how much my dad means to me and the importance he has for my life.

My dad was my idol from when I was a little kid. I would follow him around wherever he went. Helped him with whatever I could. Looked for bugs in the dirt with him. When I was little I would listen to story after story that he would tell me with complete awe.

My dad’s health right now is terrible. Thing after thing came up and I honestly don’t know how much time I have left with him. That’s why on days like today I take a step back. I look at the people I love and I pray for as much time with them as possible.

If I’ve been taught anything due to my dad’s sickness it’s that you don’t give up on people you love. You hold onto them. You cherish them and every moment you have, because you don’t know when they may be gone from your life.

My dad will always be my hero. Today and every day going forward I’m going to cherish him. It’s been hard to see how his sickness has changed him, but the man that he always was to me will never change.

I may become different things to different people in the future. A friend, a love, a co-worker, a mentor, or what have you, but I will always be my dad’s little girl.

Happy birthday dad. I love you. May we have another wonderful year together. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for reading!

-Till next time!

Hello 2019!

This year is going to be crazy. It’s going to be different and I’m going to call it right now, but it’s going to be beautiful. This is a year where I refuse to live in any other way then the way I choose. Where I find my own path and live life unafraid.

2018 was a year of fear. Even in the most beautiful part of 2018 there was still an element of fear and it ruined everything for me. I’m done with fear. I’m done with following a normal set path for myself. I want to write my own story. Not only do I want to, but I’m going to do it. Because fear and sadness have done nothing, but hurt me. I don’t want to be sad any more. I don’t want to be worried anymore. I don’t want to live life in a way I’ll regret it anymore.

So here are some words I wish to live by in the new year:

In 2018, I let anxiety and hurt rule me. I didn’t let myself believe and what I knew in my heart to be true. I let myself get caught up in how things should happen and didn’t let things happen as was right for me and not necessarily right for others. All these things caused me to make choices I do regret. Which, is something I never thought I’d do to myself. 2019 and beyond is a time in my life where I don’t want to do that ever again. Let me clarify.. It’s something I’m never going to let myself do that again.

Fear has kept me from all the things I truly love in life. Kept me from taking the chances I needed to take. All of it causing a time of great sadness and I ended up hurting myself the most. Anytime I can I’m going to do what’s best and right for me. I’m going to follow my heart. I got way to much in my head in 2018. I’m done with that. I’m going to give my heart the reigns in the new year and just see what happens.

I don’t know what to expect this year. There are endless possibilities. But no matter what happens I’m going to make sure that it’s one of the best years of my life. I’m going to write this year. I’m going to read a lot of amazing books this year. I’m going to live life this year. I’m going to make sure that it is truly a year to remember.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

Books of Christmas Future 2018

The future is an enigma. No one can know truly what is to come or what will be. One can only let the universe know their hopes and see if the universe grants what they wish to be.

Maybe the future will grant me a story of lives past

Or maybe the future will be where it’s at

A continuation of a story I started in the past

Or something totally new to keep the imagination something that lasts

Maybe a story to spark love in my heart

Or something where demons live supreme

Maybe something with a bit of tongue in cheek

Or something written a bit uniquely

Maybe something to spark some fear

But you can’t be without a bit of tears

What ever Christmas future brings

I know I’m going to love the adventure they bring

Thanks for reading! Let’s all hope for some great stories in our Christmas futures! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram.

Check out The Candle Caffe website.

-Till next time!

Books of Christmas Present

This year, I did not receive any books for Christmas. It was a very clothing heavy Christmas this year. Which makes sense due to my rapid weight loss journey over the course of the past months.

In a way it gave me a chance to appreciate the books on my shelves that I own and haven’t yet read.

Truly the Books of the Present are all the amazing books on my shelves and in my kindle library that are just waiting to tell me their stories. I can’t wait to dive into them.

This post almost turned into something sad. Not because it is absent of books or anything. But because, Christmas this year has not felt like Christmas for me. I notice in my own family that everyone looked like they were going through the motions this year and it felt like the spirit of the season was completely absent.

However, it’s good to remember that no matter what we are still family and that we love each other. Even when times get hard. That because of the love we feel for each other we can get through any obstacle.

If anything, this Christmas is teaching me to try and take action to bring joy into my life. Instead of letting things remain in a negative state. Because I don’t like feeling down during the holiday season. This Christmas is as it is, but next Christmas will be here before I know it and I want to enjoy it for what it should be.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas Day. I hope it was filled with joy and good interactions with family, friends, and loved ones.

Thank you all for reading!

Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below!

-Till next time!

What my State Of Mind is Right Now

At this moment in time my mind has come to a state that is much stronger then it’s ever been. After over a month of nonstop tears I’ve finally found a respite. It’s nice to feel this way as Christmas approaches. However, I don’t think the Christmas mood is going to find its way into my heart this year. I’ve made my peace with that. I’m focusing as much as I can on healing my hurt and slowly getting myself into a place where I let myself hope again.

Looking back on these past few months I’ve never had myself spiral this bad into depression and anxiety. I realized that decisions I made where not good and resulted in loosing something I never wanted to loose because instead of taking things calmly and trusting in fate and trusting in general I let worry and fear control me. I am never ever doing that again. In every situation that comes my way in the future I’m going to make better decisions and trust that things will work out as they should naturally. Things fall apart when you try so hard to make things work that you act so irrationally that the opposite happens.

As of right now, I have accepted my confusion about the events of the past few months. I have accepted that whatever is going to happen in the future is going to happen. I have come to realize that I’m very sorry for the things my anxiety led me to, but that my anxiety isn’t an excuse. If I work at it I can control it and I didn’t. I’m never making that mistake again.

I know now that when I fall in love with someone it’s permanent. That I’m going to feel that love in my heart for the rest of my life, but because of it I understand that sometimes the other person needs something else in life. That I can’t force a person to stay when they don’t want to and their reason is their reason and it’s not up to me to hold on. That my happiness can be overwhelming when I’m with someone, but I can find and be happy standing on my own. Because I’m a whole person. Love just makes me overflow.

I’ve also learned that break ups really can be as upsetting as tv would have you believe. If I let myself really think about it, as I have done a lot in the recent past, I can get to a state where I’m bawling and so I try not to so much.

Regardless of what happens in the future who stays in my life, who comes into it, or who leaves, or what random thing life has in store for me, I’m going to build up my armor, not necessarily to keep people away, but to get through any obstacles that may come my way in a healthy and better way. So instead of freaking out about things that are out of my control I leave it up to faith and trust that good is just around the corner.

I also have come to realize that my family and I have very different stances on a lot of things that I didn’t previously think we thought differently on. That as I grow in the future I have to trust how I feel more then getting lost in worries that aren’t even my own. To listen to concerns, but to trust in my own judgment more.

Right now, I’m building the blocks of a much steadier mind. I know how I feel and I know that I have to trust that things will turn out well in the future. I have learned many lessons and am now going to make sure they stick. I will create happiness for myself. I will be so much better as a person for all that’s happened. Even if I wished I could turn back and change a lot of it. Maybe then things wouldn’t have ended like they did (preferably not ended at all) , but all I can do is look forward.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

My 20th Birthday

Today, December 17th, is my birthday. For many people a birthday is something special and something celebratory. For me most of the time it feels like just another day of life. Yeah, I get well wishes and congratulations, but honestly if I didn’t mention my birthday was coming up to anyone no one would be the wiser.

That’s something I’ve come to terms with over the years. Having a December birthday can be weird because everyone’s scrambling for gifts for their loved ones for Christmas and frankly I understand that that’s what is and should be more important to people. A lot of the time too gifts for a December birthday and Christmas are rolled into one and you learn that that’s just what it is.

The point that I’m trying to make is, I’ve learned that the day of my birth isn’t all that special, but I can use it as a way to gather what I’ve accomplished in that year of life and what I want to do in the future.

So this year in my life I want to try and accomplish goals I’ve wanted to achieve for years. Like writing everyday and exercising when I can. But I also want to make it a point to be happier. To do as many things as I can that make me happy. To ask when I want something. To not feel so guilty about wanting things for myself.

I also want to tell my future self that no matter what happens this year to be more mindful and chill out a bit before making any decisions. To take life a little more calmly. But at the same time to not hold back and take chances.

There is no reason that the 20th year of my life can’t be one of the best years of my life. I just got to have faith and do what feels right.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

Taking Free Creative Writing Courses

Yesterday was not the best day despite my efforts to remain positive. However, what came out of it was something good. My mom found me some free creative writing courses that I could take and I’m going to take them.

I don’t know what to do about my feelings pretty much all of the time now. I sometimes feel like all the life has been sucked out of me. Yet there are things I can do. My situation isn’t much changed from a few months ago and yet it feels irreversibly different. Or maybe the truth is that it is completely different, because I got a taste of what it was to love and enjoy fully being in the present and lost it all in a short span of time. All while realizing that my dad isn’t going to get any better. That the only care he will receive is preventative and I have no control over the time I have left with him.

I think that I hurt more now then before because I also realized that the break up is permanent. The guy I had fallen in love with isn’t going to come back into my life. I know that now. I lost it because I didn’t really know how to accept that. To think that our time together is as good as another fantasy I lost myself in. The missing too hurts a lot. I miss him all the time. Admitting that is strange. I hate not knowing why. I hate creating my own answers. I hate that it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t change that it happened. It doesn’t change that he didn’t choose me.

So now, I also realize that at the end of the day whoever comes and goes in my life I’m the only one that can be there for me. To pick up my own pieces when my armor breaks. To find my own steps forward. To treat myself right. But, for now I feel like I’m almost in a mourning period. I try to take some steps forward. To find little pieces of peace and hope. Continuing blogging is a major thing for me. The community support during this time has been helpful.

But I know I’ll get better. I have good things awaiting me around the corner. I’m going to write a lot and these classes will help me improve my craft and I’m going to read a bunch of amazing stories as well! I’m going to get back to being myself again.

Right now I write this outside in cold air near a Christmas tree watching as the sky turns from blue to pink as it slowly gets dark. It’s beautiful. The world doesn’t stop being beautiful even when your hurting. People don’t stop caring even if your hurting. One day I know things will get better. With baby steps things will get better. So I’m going to sit here for a short time and enjoy the air and remember what it is to be alive.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

I’m not Ready for 2019

As many of you know, 2018 was a year that will be remembered as when my life set on fire. I don’t really have words for the odd twists and turns this year took for me. For how lost I’ve felt I’ve become. The mistakes I made just wishing that I could accept a little piece of happiness in my life.

However, life tumbles on and I’m not ready to tackle next year. I have so many fears. Many of them about my dad. Many of them about the same finical situation I’ve had since the year began. Many of them due to feeling stuck to wake up to the same thing to go to the same job I don’t like and never going out and experiencing little things that give me a sense of enjoyment. I’m afraid of 2019.

I’m afraid of 2019 being the same as 2018 and I’m afraid more so that it will be worse. All this fear in me makes it hard for me to do the things I want to do. It makes it hard for me to write. Makes it hard for me to read. Makes it hard for me to have a feeling of hope. Makes it hard for me to dare to dream.

But the thing about all this is, I have the cards I’ve been felt and they are not going to go away. They aren’t going to change. I’ve lost what I’ve lost. What’s around the corner is coming for me weather I like it or not. I can’t hide from it.

So in 2019, much like every other year, I’m going to try to get a semblance of normal. I’m going to try and heal from 2018’s wounds. I’m going to write like the world is at its end if I don’t. I’m going to do all that I’m going to not close myself off to others. I’m going to let my heart remain open. Open to friendships, open to my family, and open to love. To what may or may not happen.

I can’t stop time from moving on. I can’t stop what’s around the corner for me. But I can try to lessen my fear. I can try to heal. I can try to move forward. Who knows maybe 2019 will be a great year? All of it is yet unwritten.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!