Doing Instead of Fearing

The past few weeks in particular have been a lot for me. In a way that’s both very anxiety inducing, but also contrasted by times that were full of joy and love. I know I get caught up often in how hard things are. Life recently has been a lot of slaps in the face, but also in spite of that I’ve chosen to feel the joy of life too and it’s helped so much.

Two weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, pre-diabetic, and they found extra blood platelets in her blood relating to something with her bone marrow that they are still testing and figuring out. Last week, our car breaks sounded awful and we had to take them in to be fixed. We still need the back breaks fixed but we have to wait.

Speaking of if you wish to support me and my family while also getting some awesome, delicious smelling candles order at: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SistersOfTwilight

However, this past week was also really great too. I went ice skating with my friends like we’ve had planned for weeks. My boyfriend sadly didn’t make it on the ice very long, but he said that he was happy to support from the sidelines. His offer to have us do this again and he could just watch me enjoy myself was so adorable and he’s the sweetest. After we played a game of munchkins and my best friend Marble won which was perfect, because she fell and injured herself on the ice.

The next day my aunts came down to visit with my mom, my sister, and I. It was really nice. I always love hearing the stories that are never usually told around the house.

All of that got me thinking. I’ve been afraid to be productive and pursue my passions because I feel like I’ve been waiting for things to blow up. Knowing my family’s health isn’t great. Knowing that the job climate right now is so rocky. That my wrists are injured and I have to keep going and not say anything anymore so I can keep my job. Knowing that our dog Gypsy is getting on in age and her legs are now really weak and she’s always breathing hard when she gets excited.

The anxiety of knowing I’m walking up to the top of a mountain and at some point things are going to start falling off the edge of it and I know I’m not mentally ready for it all to drop. Yet, I’m still living and I have these wonderful friends that have treated me better then any friends I’ve had my whole life. I have a boyfriend that has been the biggest support and the fuel for so much laughter and peace when I need it most. My relationship with my mom and my sister has been better then it has been in a long while. We are hopeful.

So with that hope I want to put my best foot forward. I want to start to write again. To read again. To not live in fear because things are going to fall apart. Because it is going to happen. There’s no doubt. My dad is terminally ill. My mom is getting older and my sister has some unknowns in her health that could be serious issues. I don’t know how much time I have left with my family. That’s the knowing I face everyday that makes me afraid.

But I know that they all want to see me do well. I know my dad wants me to stay positive. I know my mom has been pushing me to write for so long and she wants to see me published. I know my sister wants our candle business to continue to do better. We all want to be happy. We all want each other to be happy. I’m tired of holding back.

So I won’t. When things get hard I’ll take the time I need off then, but for now I want to make a start. I want to live. So I will. You all will be hearing from me again very soon.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

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My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Writing A Novel For My Dad

A long time ago I talked about my dad being very sick. I haven’t mentioned it in a long time mostly dealing with it on my own, but the other night and yesterday afternoon my dad had two episodes that seemed to indicate new mini strokes. I don’t know for sure if that is exactly what it was he didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, but it reminded me all the same that my time on this earth with my dad is limited.

I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad, but I know I want to make the best of it. I know there are certain parts of my life he will never experience by my side. However, one thing I hope he does experience is me writing a book and seeing if I can get it published. My dad is a big part of why I love stories and it’s funny too because he doesn’t like books. Growing up he used to tell me all these fantastic stories.

The other love he taught me was for animals. Especially for insects and among them most importantly to have a love and respect for bees. So, I really want to write and dedicate my bee book idea to my dad.

I know my dad will most likely never read it. He’s blind in one eye and further loosing vision in the other due to his strokes. He never had much patience for reading, but I want him to know that I wrote something for him. Inspired by the love he passed down to me.

Yesterday when I got home from work he talked to me and called me his Angel. That morning he had told me to think positive. So as hard as that is for me I will try. I will put my dad energy into doing something that will make him proud. At the very least have a first draft I can print out and put into his hands. So he would know how much his love has always meant to me.

I love my dad so much. I know cancer and the strokes have changed him so much, but nothing has ever changed his love for me. Even when he’s mad at my mom or wanting someone or something to blame for his illness when I come into the room he still treats me like his little girl.

I know my dad wants me always to remain strong. To always think positive no matter what and to pursue my dreams. So that’s exactly what I’ll do for the rest of my life. During my time on earth with him and during the time he passes on and I will carry him living inside my heart forever more.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Writing this brought me to tears, but it also helped me feel a sense of resolve. My one wish is that this post inspires those reading to be there for their loved ones now and to think positive. Thank you all for being here.

Check out my INSTAGRAM and TWITTER

Check out THE SISTERS OF TWILIGHT WEBSITE.

If you would like to support me directly here’s a link to BUY ME A KOFI! 

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

Finally Healing An Injury

For several months now I’ve been suffering the beginnings and then the full blown pains of tendinitis. It’s a work injury from doing the same things over and over again quickly without enough rest. Besides, also not having done too much besides ice it to help heal the injury.

Finally, my mom bought me a few things that all used in tandem will heal my wrist. The pain is all from inflammation in pretty much all the hand and wrist muscles.

First, I am icing my wrists with gel packs. This reduces inflammation.

Second, I will be using a blood flow stimulation therapy at the very least morning and night for the next coming months. This will allow blood flow while my wrist is resting and bring all the good stuff my wrists need to heal to the injured area. Also, allowing the bad stuff to be carried away from the area.

At work I’ll be using medical support tape to reduce strain on the tissue and prevent further injury. As well as taking Advil every 6 hours to reduce swelling and pain.

It feels daunting because I feel like it’ll take a good long time for healing to really take place. However, I have a plan. Which is well more then the just reduce pain as much as possible thing I was doing before. I’ve been pretty much just further hurting the injury for a long while.

Taking care of oneself is so important. Realizing your limits, mentally and physically and not pushing those boundaries when it’s only causing damage is important. We can do our best and strive for amazing things, but we also need to feel like we’re doing good for our bodies and minds too when burnout happens.

This is a lesson for myself as well as an excitement of finally.. one day soon my wrists will be pain free. I’ll be able to exercise with them again. Ill be able to do tasks freely without pain. I’ll feel like I can finally move forward and being more myself and doing things like yoga that make all of my body feel so good.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

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ICheck out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Watching: Story From North America

Last night before I was deciding to go to bed, my boyfriend decided to send me a lot of love through sharing a bunch of YouTube videos with me. Just as I had watched a good amount and was about to say goodnight he sent me one last short one, “Story From North America” and I decided alright just one more and I watched it. It was so beautiful and unique. The imagery is creepy and a little scary for those scared of spiders, but the message it gave was a beautiful one. I adored watching this.

Here is a link to “Story From North America”

Something I loved about this too was that my boyfriend hates spiders, but he also shared an appreciation for this story and the message that life even arachnid life is precious. Also, that this was a way that I have thought so many times before especially when I was a kid. Bugs our living creatures too and how would I like it if a hand came from the sky and squished me? Especially when I was minding my own business? It’s definitely not a happy thought, yet it’s what we do to bugs all the time.

But, I can also think of times where infestation happens and it is important to remove and kill bugs that as making a home in your house when their numbers could do harm to you. But as far as a single spider here and there they are actually good because they’ll eat the other bugs naturally. Safely putting them outside to just be is most of the time a good idea.

What I also loved about this is that its told in song form and the lyrics are pretty catchy. I’ve only watched it twice through and the lyrics are already sticking with me enough to quote a bit from the song. It’s in a style of music that reminds me of a children’s song. Repetitive to drive home the message and also to convey the overall feelings and tones of various parts of the song.

God, I highly recommend watching this. It’s only 4 minutes and it’s so damn good. So thought provoking and the imagery is incredible. I won’t get over the way she conveys the boys anger with his rapid movement it’s such a neat moment. This is truly art.

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!!

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

Inspiration from Old Places

Randomly I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and Wattpad came up. It was a site I used to read so many books on, but also it is the place where I wrote my first ever book. It is short and bite sized and it is called “Confessions of a Teenage Writer”

I wrote this while hoping to finish at least one other draft of a novel. Yet, this became the first thing I ever finished and I’ve only finished one other draft of something since.

Looking back and reading the comments on this book made me want to sob. I hadn’t really looked at this book or anything on Wattpad since 2016. Yet, when I wrote it I realized I had effected others. I had accomplished what I had wanted to do so badly and so early on.

People had connected with my work. They had thought it beautiful. They’d encouraged me to keep writing, but in their eyes I already was a writer. The titles I have not thought I could claim for myself in recent years, but I am both writer and author. Again I feel the tears come.

Lately, I have been able to start the process of writing again. Currently, my project is in the idea phase. I truly don’t know much about it and it’s come in bits and pieces. Lately, everything in my life has felt like a gentle stream nudging me back to the passion I have had for so many years, to write.

For a single day at my work there was a young girl that came and of all things she wanted to be a writer. She worked for a day only. Yet, listening to her. Hearing how she hadn’t finished anything because she had all these ideas in her head and couldn’t commit to one I felt so inspired and nostalgic for who I was when I first began writing. It felt electrifying to remember and to understand that this was me coming back home to myself.

It’s felt like the universe has been telling me it’s ok. It’s ok that I needed the time I did, but the time is right now. It’ll be ok.

For now, my toes feel like they are dipping in this water. Preparing for the way I will wish to go. Where I will begin.

So, I have begun here. Waking up at 5:30 in the morning to write blog posts. I’ve started reading again. Started to think about an idea and build it out. All these things will soon build out and eventually I will be flowing in this gentle river until I make small stops on my journey when I finish the first draft, when I’m editing, when I’m hoping to see if there’s a home in publishing for my story, and again starting a whole new idea.

I am here. I am ready. I am inspired and hopeful. The best yet I am smiling. I appreciate so much the younger version of me who went for writing so head on and with such passion. Who read books every single day and couldn’t imagine she’d breath well in a day without at least ingesting a single chapter. Turns out for the most part it became true. I haven’t been able to come back to myself for so long. Now is the time. I want to shout that. Now is the time!

This feels so wonderful.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources:

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

A Retry of An Old Routine

Hello everyone!

Right now for me it is almost 6 am. I woke up at 5:30 this morning and it’s the first time I’ve done so in well over a year. Once upon a time, this was how I was able to complete all my goals for the day and be able to nap later on and have a few hours of pure enjoyment in the nighttime!

When I wake up like this I always get my writing done. Later on in the day it’s easy for me to feel exhausted after work and say it’s time to relax and I don’t blame myself. It is the time to allow myself some peace. So the solution is to wake up earlier.

From now on, I should be able to post far more often, even daily. This blog was always meant to have very frequent posts and while for a while I needed to let myself be, it’s time to come back to my passions.

So that’s why even though it’s earlier then I’ve gotten up in ages and I should be sleepy right now, I am excited. I am smiling. I am ready to go after my dreams.

Thank you all for coming along this journey with me! It’s going to be wonderful every step of the way.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter!

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

I Need to Catch Up

I have so much on my plate right now. So much I want to do. So much I want to read. My tbr is so long and it feels at this point I won’t catch up, but I want to try.

One of the things that’s been weighing on me is this feeling of overwhelment that comes over me especially with the hours I’m working and just how much there is to do. I can’t quite do as much in a day as I used to. My mind is drained. My body wanting rest.

Yet, there’s that guilt I feel because I want so much to read and review those books I have because I know I’ll love so many of them and I know how much reviews mean to publishers and authors alike.

Right now, I’m taking things day by day. I need to. I keep taking every moment that is hard and piling it on top of the other and I can’t keep doing that to myself.

This is my promise to myself. To take it all step by step. To do the very best I can and to give my mine the rest it needs. To focus on feeling better and just slowly working through what I have and building a new momentum in my life.

For now I’ll start by finishing the library book I’m reading “The Lamb Will Slaughter The Lion”. Then read “Saints and Misfits” because I have limited time to read it. Then, finish “The Unstoppable Wasp” because I’m pretty close to finishing that one and it’s a Sam Maggs book and I love her.

As for starting to write a book. I think I’ll make it a point that every day, once I’m fully ready to go for the day I spend at least 15 minutes writing. Otherwise, I’ll make excuses and it won’t happen. I know exactly which book is calling to me to write right now. So, all that’s left to do is give myself that time.

Thank you all for reading! I feel so much better after writing this. I can do this. It’ll all be in time.

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

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Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

A Month Without Complaining

I have noticed that I do a fair bit of complaining. That sometimes, I’ll get so upset that that’s all I’ll talk about are things that don’t feel good to me. I want to see if by challenging myself to be more positive and to not being a focus on something discomforting that I’ll be able to more often discuss and focus on the things that do feel good.

I want to see how my life changes if anything at all changes in the next 30 days. Just keeping in mind in each moment to focus on what’s good about a situation. To ease the way I converse with others. I’m curious about how my relationships will change too. If things will become more playful or just feel better in general.

It’ll be an interesting experiment. So from now on to March 20th I will not complain. And if I do a little at least I’ll make a conscious effort to stop and change the way I’m talking about whatever I’m talking about in a more positive way.

I’ll track how my day went over the next 30 days and how things feel. Name the good things. Talk about if I slipped up or if I’m doing particularly well about it. It’ll be a good challenge for my mental health.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

New Beginning

Yesterday, I had a depressive episode. It felt like everything I wanted to do I couldn’t do for one reason or another. That my life was full of stresses at every turn and I could not handle any more of it. So many of my goals I’ve wanted to achieve I’ve let go of because life just is so much right now. Every turn another obstacle to face. Another thing that made me want to turn into myself and just watch something funny or play a game for hours to just feel that bit of relief.

I have bottled up my emotions for so long that last night it tipped over and I broke down. However, I know my life is in my hands. That I can chose to take a new path. Hit the reset button. Go another way. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m going to prioritize the things I’ve been wanting to do for ages. Reading, writing, exercise, but also maintaining a place in my mind of well-being. To make sure I’m taking care of my mental health and actually enjoying what I can of life.

The past few months have been all about that enjoyment, but in between that, the moments I’d forget. The moments my mind remembered that stuff is hard. That I’m living a life where things could change completely and flip me around again in a moments notice. That one day I’ll wake up and my dad will no longer be here. Which has been the route of a lot of the sadness I’ve been feeling. Watching my dad deteriorate more and more all the time.

Yet, I want to live a good and happy life. I want to show my family that I can create something wonderful for myself. To write something I’d be excited to read. To inspire others to follow their passions. To be an uplifter whether that’s in my home or walking in a grocery store or having a small interaction online.

So today and the next and the next will be my new beginnings. My next chance to do what I’ve intended to do with passion and with love. I want things to be better in all aspects of my life. To have the timing of a dancer moving from one moment to the next with a sense of joy. I don’t just want to take action through life with a sense of obligation. I want to take action with fervor. With joy and with excitement. With a sense of ease.

So that’s what I’m going to do. To let go of the sense that I’m doing things out of obligation. But, to take action in a feeling of love. That starts here in this moment, writing this post, with that feeling that I can do this. That I can be a person who lives with joy in their hearts in spite of the hard stuff. To handle those things and give love to them as well. To cry when I need to but not let it define me and stop me from living a life of vibrancy.

So to the many of you who’ve been reading my blog for a long time and who seen me disappear and reappear again and again, I can say that I am finally back. Fully and truly back. This blog has brought to me some of the most amazing moments of my life. It’s where I’ve felt the most like I do in this moment. Fully alive. Fully enjoying the things I love and getting excited and sharing these moments with all of you.

Thank you all of you for reading! I truly appreciate every one of you. There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share all that’s in store in the coming days, weeks, and months. It’ll be a blast!

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.

February Goals

February is a lovely month. There’s Valentine’s Day to celebrate with the ones you love. It’s typically a shorter month, but it does feel sweet.

This month, I want to enjoy everything that I can. I’ve already started it off by finishing futurama season 2. I’m excitedly going through my remaining story quests on Genshin Impact to prepare for the new update that’ll bring in lots of new and fun stuff and events. Version 1.3 is going to be amazing!

I also want to get back into a workout routine this month so I will be beginning a yoga workout program. Working on my flexibility and strength at the same time will be great for me.

The two books I’m hoping to finish reading this month are “The Unstoppable Wasp” by Sam Maggs and “Shadow and Bone” by Leigh Verdugo in preparation for when the new Netflix series comes out.

I’m getting back into taking my bookstagram pictures and I’m enjoying that so far. As, well as doing Duolingo Spanish more consistently.

Mostly, this month will be about feeling good and also getting back to many of the things that bring me joy.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below! 

Places to donate to Trans communities:

Trans Equality 

The Trevor Project

Transgender Law Center 

Some BLM resources: 

Link to bail funds to donate to!

Link to petitions to sign! 

Link to a video to watch if you can’t donate!

My friend started Live Streaming so check them out HERE!! 

Check out my Instagram and Twitter

Check out The Book Raven Poetry website

Checkout The Book Raven Poetry Instagramand Twitter

Check out the Sisters of Twilight website.