Writing A Novel For My Dad

A long time ago I talked about my dad being very sick. I haven’t mentioned it in a long time mostly dealing with it on my own, but the other night and yesterday afternoon my dad had two episodes that seemed to indicate new mini strokes. I don’t know for sure if that is exactly what it was he didn’t want to be taken to the hospital, but it reminded me all the same that my time on this earth with my dad is limited.

I don’t know how much time I have left with my dad, but I know I want to make the best of it. I know there are certain parts of my life he will never experience by my side. However, one thing I hope he does experience is me writing a book and seeing if I can get it published. My dad is a big part of why I love stories and it’s funny too because he doesn’t like books. Growing up he used to tell me all these fantastic stories.

The other love he taught me was for animals. Especially for insects and among them most importantly to have a love and respect for bees. So, I really want to write and dedicate my bee book idea to my dad.

I know my dad will most likely never read it. He’s blind in one eye and further loosing vision in the other due to his strokes. He never had much patience for reading, but I want him to know that I wrote something for him. Inspired by the love he passed down to me.

Yesterday when I got home from work he talked to me and called me his Angel. That morning he had told me to think positive. So as hard as that is for me I will try. I will put my dad energy into doing something that will make him proud. At the very least have a first draft I can print out and put into his hands. So he would know how much his love has always meant to me.

I love my dad so much. I know cancer and the strokes have changed him so much, but nothing has ever changed his love for me. Even when he’s mad at my mom or wanting someone or something to blame for his illness when I come into the room he still treats me like his little girl.

I know my dad wants me always to remain strong. To always think positive no matter what and to pursue my dreams. So that’s exactly what I’ll do for the rest of my life. During my time on earth with him and during the time he passes on and I will carry him living inside my heart forever more.

THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! Writing this brought me to tears, but it also helped me feel a sense of resolve. My one wish is that this post inspires those reading to be there for their loved ones now and to think positive. Thank you all for being here.

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My Boo: A Webtoon to Cry About

Something I adore reading are webtoons. For those of you who are new to them they are web comics created by independent artists to read completely for free. One of my absolute favorites that is actually completed is ‘My Boo’.

It’s fairly short in the scheme of how webtoons typically go. However if by the end you don’t find yourself in tears I’m sorry to say, but you might actually be a robot. I have nothing against robots they are pretty cool. I imagine most of them don’t have tear ducts. I’m sure even a robot would feel the affect of this webtoon.

The writing and the art together are GORGEOUS! It’s a beautiful webtoon. This is a story that made me think about love differently. To think about how I would feel if I only had the shortest amount of time with my loved one. Or how temporary life is. I can’t expect for sure that nothing will ever happen to me or to him. So, the person I love most in the world, I’m hellbent on giving my all to him.

Wow.. I didn’t expect it, but I have tears. I guess the thought of something happening was a bit much for me. It’s a bit hard to think about. But that is the reality of this webtoon. In My Boo these two beautiful souls love each other and have some of the best times, but Yuri and her beloved could never touch. They fell for each other and they would never touch. Not for one singular moment.

They laugh together. They can pretend at touching, but they cannot ever actually touch. If that’s not a powerful version of a long-distance relationship that technically is very much not long-distance I don’t know what is. The best part is the build up to them falling for each other. The writing is absolutely fantastic. Yuri’s past makes her pretend she doesn’t even see her ghost roommate. Even when he was being annoying as hell.

It’s such a simple story, but calling it simple feels wrong. I felt every word of it deeply. From, how Yuri made her decisions about accepting him in her life. To the actual relationship. To the very end. Reading this is like having a hand hold your heart and having it give a painful squeeze, but you hope, you hope for them to touch. For them to be able to have each other, but to the very end you start to loose hope and it’s a tragedy.

It’s one of those stories that makes you think about life and life decisions, but instead of it making me feel like letting go.. it makes me want to hold on. To love the person I love and damn the consequences. Because, why should two people who love each other have to let each other go? Love is the most beautiful emotion you could feel for someone. If you have it and it’s right and it’s good then why should you have to let go of it?

In this story there are reasons. In this story things get hard. In this story I became a mess. My Boo is beautiful. It’s tragic. It’s painful. But it is also full of a beautiful love. I hope everyone takes the time to read it. It’s a story I will never forget.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

-Till next time!

World Suicide Prevention Day

September 10th was World Suicide Prevention Day and if it weren’t for Andrew’s amazing post where he created a Suicide Prevention Playlist. I would have missed it completely.

So, when I read his post, I spent the time from then till now listening to the playlist he put together. It’s full of heartbreaking, head banging, wonderful music. Some songs I’ve heard many times and others I had never listened to before. (I’m only surprised knowing him that he didn’t put in Iridescent (which I recommend all of you reading to listen to after you check out Andrew’s playlist).

So riffing off of his post. I want to talk a little bit about mental health and Suicide.

I’ve discussed on here before that I have some very personal experiences with this subject. Not just from suffering from depression, but from having an uncle who sadly committed suicide a few years ago.

Over the years, I’ve come to understand my uncle in a way that breaks my heart. He was a father, a great uncle, and an all around good guy to be around. He loved his family. He loved his daughters. But he also loved alcohol and smoking and because of divorce, financial struggle, and so many other things.. he had enough. I don’t think I ever blamed him. In truth, I blamed my grandmother. She had brought him to live with us and was supposed to help him and instead gave up on him. I wonder sometimes if he’d still be alive if she hadn’t.

My uncle was this super tall, heavily tattooed, mostly bald guy who terrified me when I first met him, but I watched one of my first horror movies with him and my cousins ‘the grudge’ and he taught me how to ride a bike, and he was always good to me. It really saddens me to know that he snuffed out his own light.

More then me, my cousins, his daughters, were devastated by the loss of their dad. Their hurt made mine deeper. I often cried for them.

On my own.. when my mind went darkest, I thought briefly about Suicide. Writing it, I know it’s the truth, but having it in black and white is surreal. Whenever I couldn’t handle my thoughts and I needed to be away I’d head into the bathroom, but every time, after a few minutes my mom would come knocking. She never ever left me alone. Even though the worst I ever did was cut off bits of hair.. she never let me get to a place where I could do more and when I realized that she knew before I did that my mind was going towards darkness it made me vow to myself never to act on those thoughts. For my family I made it a mission not to harm myself. To get my life together and to turn to positivity.

Early on, I often took to Instagram where they had posts that had quotes from people who felt as I did and I fell through the rabbit hole that showed me self-harm. I never got to the point where I cut myself. I’m lucky. When I told my mom recently that I used to look at those kinds of posts she looked at me like I was still in that place. She still worries. My interest in mental health and discussing it all worries her more.

Right now, I’m in the best place mentally that I’ve ever been in. It shocks me. I think of all the things that have happened recently that should weigh on me and I find that they don’t. I can’t believe that. I’m happy. I’m happy with my family. I’m happy with my future. I’m happy with the incredible guy that makes me feel like I could fly into the clouds. Instead of shutting down like I normally would in times where I feel like my problems are piled against me, I’m moving forward and I feel really good for the first time in forever.

Yet still, my mom tells me not to read some of the stuff that I read. Not to involve myself with labels and discuss what I have and how I had felt for the majority of my life. She doesn’t realize what it means to me. That the word depression gave me the answer I needed to know that I’m normal that the thoughts aren’t really me. To come to the realization that thoughts can lie to you. She doesn’t realize that since I’ve discussed my truth on this blog it’s been easier to deal with. Many of you out there know how I feel. Struggling together makes the weight of it so much less.

I dream of a world where Suicide isn’t something that touches people’s lives, sadly I know that that won’t happen any time soon, but discussing it. Discussing ways to heal. Getting help. Maybe we could make the Suicide rate smaller.

If you or anyone you know are thinking of Suicide. Please call the Suicide Prevention hotline for your country. Check out this international list for the number for your country.

If you can look up and donate to your local Suicide Prevention center. But, more importantly if you know of someone who is struggling, be there for them. Show the people you love you care. Even if someone doesn’t look like their struggling, give them love. Depression is invisible. Unless I talked about it no one could tell I was depressed. More then once I’ve been told by people around me that they think of me as a girl who is always smiling. I’m not.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

I hope we all take this time to be a little kinder to one another. I hope this post has helped you in some way.

-Till next time!

Life Update: Please Send Well-wishes/Prayers

Hi everyone.

My dad has been sick for a while and we finally took him to the hospital yesterday. It was lucky we did because his kidneys were beginning to fail. We arrived at the hospital at 11 and spent over 11 hours as they worked in emergency to save him and transferred him over to be admitted into the hospital.

I just want him to be well.

We are headed over there early today to be there for him for whatever he needs. Just seeing him in the hospital looking so small, so delicate… I would love for him to be home and well as soon as possible.

They haven’t fixed the cause of the almost failure, but the doctors are working on figuring out what went wrong.

I’m not sure how I’ll be able to keep doing all the things I have been doing, but I know that my mom wants me to continue normally as much as possible. As for posting I might be more sporadic then usual… or I might throw myself into things more because it’s a great distraction from getting really depressed.

Anyway, I am emotionally and physically tired and I am just hoping for any prayers I can get. It’s so hard seeing the man I love so much, my dad, looking like a small shell of his former being.

Thanks for reading.

-Till next time.

Life Update: Today Was A Terrible Day

Today was a day that simply sucked. The past few months have been very up and down but never were at the level of today’s terribleness and I honestly don’t know what to do with myself after today. 

My life has always been a complicated one. I was born to a mother that couldn’t raise me, adopted by a grandmother on my dad’s side that frankly should have never been a mother, yet raised all my life from a baby to a family unrelated to me, but became the people who loved me and the ones I now call my God family, my true family. 

Over the past 18 years I have had more run-ins with my grandmother then I could count and I have never once had 10 minutes in her presence without her threatening or yelling at me. Our relationship was always nonexistent. I have lived with my God family all my life and have only ever visited my grandmother, but that’s never stopped her from finding ways to emotionally attack me. 

It sucks that I can’t say I’m suprised about what happened today. Supposedly someone stole the plates from my car but were caught and the police had the person arrested. The police took the plates to the station and my God family and I drove to go pick it up. Low and behold my grandmother was there (She had been calling and causing commotion all day) and she got in my God moms face yelled at her asked for the keys which my God mom gave to her and headed outside to where I was sitting in the car with my God dad reading a book. My grandmother (who also brought a long time friend with her and her friends children with her) proceeded to say she was going to take the car. When I got out of the car and she went in my face saying if I wasn’t going to speak to her for a minute, I choose not to anwer and my God family and I (my God mom and dad both elderly and my God sister) started a four hour journey to walk all the way home. (Even though my grandmother said she would drive us back there was no way we were not going to walk because if I went in that car there would be a yelling fest of the century and I was too angry to get in a car with someone that literally just took away the only car my God family and I had. (That would be like getting in the car with someone who just knifed you in the gut). 

Honestly, there is way way more to this story as it is also related to more then 18 years of being hurt by the same woman, but honestly I could write a book about my history and it would suck because this episode while the worst recently isn’t the worst of all time. 

I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m feeling emotionally drained and sad. I’m hurting and I fear that this is only the beginning of worse things. I generally try to post positivity on here, but this was such an insane thing that I needed to share or else risk emotional implosion. 

If you are religious your prayers are appreciated. If you are not your good will is also appreciated. However, the one thing I really need right now is happy thoughts. So send me a link to something that made you laugh or a picture of a cute animal or anything happy and animal related really. Knowing that I can still smile in the face of all this mess is a comfort to me and knowing that I’m smiling at something you have also smiled at is a true blessing and a comfort. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I’m terribly sorry that this isn’t my usual positive Bookish post. I almost didn’t post anything at all, but I don’t think I could do that. This blog keeps me sane and your comments always make me smile. 

-Till next time.

When the WordPress App Glitches Out: A Discussion

WordPress is my favorite place to share my thoughts above all other thoughts platforms. For 5 amazing months WordPress has allowed me to share my voice and create fun content with relative ease and the smallest of glitches. 

However, I was just almost done writing a long awaited tag post when, my app froze and glitched out, deleting the content completely. To which I precided to feel these sets of emotions: 

Tried to bargain for a non-existent way of fixing the problem: 



I was and still am sitting on my IKEA chair thinking about what to do. Do I redo the post? Do I do a different one? What should I do next? 

An idea struck!

Then I decided it might be interesting to write this little post, because I wasn’t happy about losing 40 minute of work to do it over again without sharing the sad experience with you all! 

So, I ask of you… has anything like this ever happened using WordPress? Have you ever lost any content or had any issues with the WordPress app? I need to feel some solidarity from this emotional rollercoaster. It was just a whole lot of panicked sadness. 

When you take so much time to work on something just to have it disappear feels awful. As much as I love WordPress this has been such a sad experience. I may be sad, but I will write and post the disappeared post tomorrow. There is a tag to look forward to! I hope you all will enjoy it!

-Till next time!

World Poetry Day: My Love for Annabel Lee 

Today is a day of celebration, lyrical thought, and appreciation for one of my favorite things in the world POETRY! 

However I couldn’t celebrate this day without sharing my favorite poem from the master himself Edgar Allen Poe. 

Annabel Lee

By Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago, 

   In a kingdom by the sea, 

That a maiden there lived whom you may know 

   By the name of Annabel Lee; 

And this maiden she lived with no other thought 

   Than to love and be loved by me. 
I was a child and she was a child, 

   In this kingdom by the sea, 

But we loved with a love that was more than love— 

   I and my Annabel Lee— 

With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven 

   Coveted her and me. 
And this was the reason that, long ago, 

   In this kingdom by the sea, 

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling 

   My beautiful Annabel Lee; 

So that her highborn kinsmen came 

   And bore her away from me, 

To shut her up in a sepulchre 

   In this kingdom by the sea. 
The angels, not half so happy in Heaven, 

   Went envying her and me— 

Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know, 

   In this kingdom by the sea) 

That the wind came out of the cloud by night, 

   Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee. 
But our love it was stronger by far than the love 

   Of those who were older than we— 

   Of many far wiser than we— 

And neither the angels in Heaven above 

   Nor the demons down under the sea 

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul 

   Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; 
For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams 

   Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; 

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes 

   Of the beautiful Annabel Lee; 

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side 

   Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride, 

   In her sepulchre there by the sea— 

   In her tomb by the sounding sea.
I LOVE this poem! This is the type of passion and love that I can celebrate. A love so powerful and so pure that even in death he stays with her. I love the youth of it and the passion of it and the beauty of its repetive yet slowly changing nature. I love the story. The jealous angels that took her away from him to have her for themselves. The melancholy and dark beauty of everything that surrounds this poem and how it makes my heart race just thinking about it. 

Poetry always gets to me, but nothing has made me stop in my tracks and made me feel as emotional as this poem has and it puts a smile on my face. 

As much as I wanted to write a poem for World Poetry Day I feel like it would do an injustice to the greatness of the poem I love so much, from a man who is an incredible inspiration to me. I’d call Poe a dark romantic. There is something so honest about his pieces and one day I will own a book of his complete works. 

Gosh I need to read more Poe! 

Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post and read Annabel Lee many many times (it is required reading). Happy World Poetry Day! Let me know what some of your favorite poems are! I’d love to read them!

-Till next time!

Forever Ado

Forever Ado

You cause my pain 

A hole in my heart 

I wish to be whisked away 
You put on a mask 

Of kindness and good

Then you stab my gut 

And smile as you do 
You pretend you don’t see

The hurt in my eyes 

My cries for help 

Or the tears that fall 
Your lies are a web 

That suffocates your life

You know what you do 

Then you turn a blind eye 
Why do you patronize me?

Why do you haunt me so?

Why do you laugh in my face?

Why can’t you simply leave me alone?
I wish to be free of the pain 

To be free of you

To live my life 

And be myself 
Let me go!

Let me break from my bonds!

Cut the chains! 

Tear the ropes!
That is all I ever ask 

Is for freedom in this life

Freedom for love 

And freedom to live my life.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this piece. It’s a bit darker than what you all mostly see from me, but I wrote it a long time ago and felt compelled to do a sort of throw back post.  Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

-Till next time! 

Special: A Short Story 

A smile. That was the spark of it. It was me and him alone in the hallway, I looked up took in his face, his lips lifted up and my heart skipped a beat. Than he left. I went to my locker, picked up the books I needed and headed home. 

It was all so normal. A moment that shouldn’t have crossed my mind after it was over. Yet I felt something, something warm. 

Years have past and I can tell you now that nothing came from it. Nate was a boy I had known years before that moment and he is a man that is a true friend today. I got close to him after that day. We shared jokes, studied for exams in groups, told each other secrets, and gave a little piece of hearts to one another,  but we were never romantic. My heart that had started to beat for him was broken. Nate wasn’t a man for dating, at least, not until much later. I think I fell for him a little more just because of that. He’d laugh to hear all this now, maybe I will share this story with him soon, but most likely that will never come to pass. 

In my heart he was perfect. There was never a moment where he didn’t try to make me smile. He was and still is the biggest goofball, my Nate (I say this platonically now of course).  He became attuned to me, always made sure I was doing well. We had our seperate groups of course, but we became each other’s best friends and we still are. I never told him how I felt, I knew he had a soft spot for Lydia a mutual friend, though she had eyes for Marchel who she called, “Quietly handsome” something I would agree with, though we all know who I had eyes for. 

Nate never told Lydia that he liked her, when she finally confessed to Marchel and started dating him Nate confided in me. “I never seem to luck out do I?” 

He had looked so broken then, “I am happy she found a good guy though, Marchel would never hurt her. She derserves the best, even if the best doesn’t happen to be me.” He smiled.

This time that smile broke my heart. I knew in that moment, I could never tell him how I felt. I could never say how his emotion mirrored my own. No matter my feelings, Nate deserves the best too. Somehow, I also knew, that that person was never going to be me. 

I don’t think you can ever fall out of love with someone, not really. There is always a piece of you that stays with them. I eventually dated, there was Mark, Philip, Sean, and then Robert. I never stayed with anyone for long, well, except for Philip. I thought Philip could have been the one, a year and a half in and he cheated on me. I guess I too never have much luck in love. My heart still beats a little faster to see Nate’s smile. I know now I love it because when he smiles at you, you feel special, like your the only one that matters in that moment. I’m not his special someone. I’m now a loyal friend. Maybe one day a heart will beat fast to my own smile. Maybe one day they will be special to me. Maybe I will become special to them. 

Thanks for reading! This was a Valentines Day inspired short story. I have never dated anyone (or kissed for that matter) but I have fallen before and I wanted to see that kind of story represented. This story has a little slice of cheese, but I think that’s quite alright for the season. I hope you all have a lovely February!

Let me know what you think in the comments. How do you feel about the story? Are you interested in more short stories in the future? 

-Till next time!

Tricks by Ellen Hopkins: A Review 

Tricks By Ellen Hopkins
Rating: 4.5/5 stars 

Publisher: Margaret K. McElderry Books

Published: August 25, 2009

Received: Thrift store find

Purchase: Amazon / Barnes and Noble / Book Depository

When all choice is taken from you, life becomes a game of survival. Five teenagers from different parts of the country. Three girls. Two guys. Four straight. One gay. Some rich. Some poor. Some from great families. Some with no one at all. All living their lives as best they can, but all searching . . . for freedom, safety, community, family, love. What they don t expect, though, is all that can happen when those powerful little words, I love you, are said for all the wrong reasons. These are five moving stories that remain separate at first, then weave together to tell a larger, more powerful story a story about making choices, taking leaps of faith, falling down, and growing up. And figuring out what sex and love are all about. TRICKS is informed and inspired by living near Las Vegas a big teen prostitution scene and by the fact that teen prostitution is not exclusively the result of kids running away from abuse. Kids from better families are selling themselves for hefty sums in order to finance addictions or even just to buy jewelry or clothing. In some cases, parents prostitute their children for the same reason. So what happens to the kids who are asking themselves, and asking us, Can I ever feel OK about myself? Highly charged, TRICKS is a gripping experience that turns you on and repels you at the same time.”


This book broke my heart. It took me almost a full week to get through because of how hard-hitting it was. It was almost crushing. 

As with all Ellen Hopkins books it was beautifully written, but for this one in particular I would also say jarringly written. 

Important note (trigger warning for rape, sexual violence, prostitution, drugs, drug abuse, depression, and overall emotional pain) 

The themes in this book were handled in such a way that they are impossible not to think about. Not a single person gets a reprieve from their own harsh realities and it was so easy to feel how broken down everything gets, especially toward the end. 

The only reason this book was not a 5 star read for me was because of how worn down I felt while reading it. Whatever joy there was, was fleeting and almost immediately deviant. Any hope I would wish for would be denied and I came out of it utterly sad. (I definitely need a light happy read after this one) 

If you can handle and appreciate the sadness and the darkness of this topic, I would 100% reccomend this book. It is not easy to read emotionally, but it is an important book no matter how much it has made me sad. 

The characters are very real and you will feel for there lives. Bad choices mixed with circumstance and a lot of loss lead to a whole lot of sin and regrets. Tricks is a book that grabs you for better or for worse. 
Thank you for reading. I kept this review short and sweet. Speaking about the subjects and other details surrounding this book is really hard for me. I’m a bit of an empath (especially in books) so this story kind of sucked the life out of me (not really in a bad way the book is incredible). I hope you enjoyed. 

Have you read this book? What did you think of it? If you haven’t read it have you read any of Ellen Hopkins other books? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. 

-Till next time!