Feeling Proud

I haven’t felt this way in a very long time towards myself. But, I feel proud. I’ve been posting daily and I have a better way of going about it so that I still get a lot of time to be in my own head and do things I’m happy to do.

I have goals that I’m working on getting to accomplish. I have a much more peaceful time at work and I enjoy my coworkers. I feel at peace with my situation and am dedicated to my own happiness. When this goes up I will be at six flags with my family after not having gone for a few years and I know I’m going to really enjoy being there.

I also make sure to put myself first more often. To let others help me when they offer to. To truly be present in the moments I have. I’m proud. Proud because there was a time not so long ago that I didn’t go very long without crying. Proud because I give myself the proper space and time when I do want to cry. Proud because I am valuing myself and valuing how I feel. Proud because I’m honoring my feelings while maintaining that the next moment will be a brighter one.

I feel I can say now that I am happy. That I’ve grown emotionally and mentally in ways I never expected. I’m proud because I’m expecting a brighter future. I’m expecting good in my life and a whole lot of good has already come. I have people in my life that I care about. Not just my family, but friends too old and new. People who genuinely care about me as well.

I have people I’ve met on here that I love speaking with whenever I get the chance, people who have been of great support to me and who have raised me up.

I normally don’t mention religion in my posts, but I feel closer to God as well. I feel his guidance when I need it and with each step forward I feel his encouragement and I am grateful for it.

I feel good. Really really good. I feel like that’s something worth talking about and celebrating.

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below. You are all amazing and beautiful people. Thank you for being a part of my blogging journey! Without all of you, I’d be in a much different place in life.

-Till next time!

Just a Life Update

It’s currently 1:00 a.m., I’m writing this from the E.R. mostly to keep awake, but also because I have some stuff to share and maybe in some way this could help someone else who has experienced or will experience a situation like my own. Just so no one freaks out.. currently everything is fine. I’m not here for the same reasons I have been in the past.. where my dad was not able to see and was hallucinating due to a mini stroke and with me having no clue at the time what was going on. This visit was mostly planned. However, I expected it to happen in the morning not at midnight.

I even have stuff prepared so I don’t use up too much of my phone battery. I got my Write The Story Book with me and a book to read. I’ve been here for over an hour already.

When you visit the E.R. enough times you learn a lot of compassion for other people. Because it is the great equalizer, you never know when your going to get sick or injured and need help like everyone else does every once in a while. The first couple of times I’ve been here with my dad it caused me quite the bit of grief and anxiety. It’s hard to see a parent wither away so quickly. It’s even harder when it’s expected of you to remain calm and collected about the whole thing when your mind is anything but.

This time though I don’t expect to hear anything I don’t already know. I’m just hoping my dad doesn’t get admitted again… especially when I know it’s not going to last because they are just going to say there isn’t much of anything they can do.

This blog and work has been my saving grace these past couple of weeks. On those levels things have been going well for me. Mentally I’m so much stronger then I was before and putting a concerted effort into something I have a passion for has done wonders for my mental health. When you have a loved one that has major health issues it’s important to remember to take care of yourself. To work at things that make you happy, because I know from experience that running over and over in your head all the pain and sadness only causes more of it.

Being in the hospital so often also solidified for me something I already knew, that life is short and we all need to enjoy what we can in this life we can, because what’s the point really if all we did was wallow in suffering? I’ve seen so many elderly people lying in hospital rooms just waiting to die alone (not all quite a few have families, but quite a few also, do not) and that’s not how I want to end. That’s not what I want my life to be period. Yes, we have to feel the sadness. I spent a lot of time doing just that, but when it starts to become you, that’s when things need to change.

The strokes affected my dad’s mind. He’s become so angry and bitter at everything. It’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see. He forgets things.. he has an unhealthy attachment to the news and whatever Trump is doing. He’s not the man I grew up looking up to. I’ve had to mourn that man even while he is still alive.

Sometimes living in an environment where the reality is that someone you love is truly losing their mind bit by bit can become toxic. I’ve learned to deal with it by realizing that my dad isn’t really my dad anymore and to not take anything he says or does personally, because it stems from hurt and sickness and him facing the reality that he is dying. I do my best not to let the truth of the situation make me bitter.. or to not let it make it so I loose my mind with the sadness as well.

So I watch films and post about them, I get back to writing about books I want to read, I hang out with friends when they ask. I choose to continue living. It’s so easy to shut down in a situation like this. To let it consume you. But another truth is that there is so much to live for. So I’m there for my family as much as I can be. I’m there for my dad. I hold myself together sitting in the very lightly cushioned hospital chairs. I try to think about good things. To smile at pictures of cats and puppies and watch stupid videos to distract myself.

It sucks sure, it sucks to have someone you love suffer. It’s even harder when it changes them and sometimes in a not so good way. But, I understand it. I really do. I’ve cried over it, I’ll probably cry over it more in the future, but It’s a balance between compassion for your loved one and compassion for yourself. It’s a fine line and there’s no rulebook for any of this.

I look at my mom and I see how tired she’s gotten. How angry because she’s the one that deals with all of dad’s pain and anger directly. So when she’s mad at me for something small I let it go even if it’s to tell me to do something I’ve already taken care of. Or something so small it doesn’t even matter. I let everything go. Because I’m not going to let this situation cause all of us to start yelling at each other all the time. Because arguments happen and they happen more often then I’d like them to. I’m trying to be someone that doesn’t add to escalating an already difficult situation. I’ve learned more patience and calmness from this situation then any other of my life. I’ve learned not to take things personally from this more then any other. But, I’m not perfect. Not even close. Sometimes I loose my cool and argue back. Sometimes, I sit and the emotions wash over me and I just let myself feel. Sometimes anger comes over me and I have to remove myself from a situation so I don’t say something I would regret. Sometimes I fail to remove myself. But, that’s all part of being human. We have emotions. We hurt. We deal with difficulty. We persevere.

This isn’t at all a pessimistic post. It’s just an honest look at something I’ve been dealing with for a long time now. It’s an honest telling of what I’ve learned from it. I don’t like hiding things. I don’t like pretending like things are better or worse then they are. For me going through this has been hard, but it is manageable and this is not at all a post for the sake of being pitied. Stuff like this happens all the time, but if I can help someone through my experience to deal with their own then I do want to candidly discuss it which is why i choose to write this in the first place.

There is always hope in every situation. There is always something to be learned. I love my family. I love my dad. I wish that none of this would have ever happened, but it’s something that can be handled in a healthy way. It is now 2:00am and I think I’m kinda losing the message I was trying to convey so I’m going to stop here.

To all those who are going through a difficult situation right now, you’ve got this! You are going to make it through. I’ll be praying and rooting for all of you. You deserve the best.

Thanks you all for reading! I send my love out to all of you.

-Till next time!

Hello March 2019!

Hello everyone! Yes Indeed, I am back from the dead. I am still a bit under the weather, but I am definitely much better then I have been.

It’s a brand new month and I’m finally going to be back on the blog and writing some posts I can be proud of. Because of all the time I missed I’ve been a bit behind, but I’m going to be posting some reviews I should have gotten done a while back as well as start on the behemoth of a project I’ve been wanting to do since I got sick in January. That’s right.. the marvel universe posts are coming! And they are many.

In the coming weeks I hope to create a schedule for myself that I can keep up with. Being sick has made me very stagnant and I’m hoping to become free of that in the month of March.

I feel badly about not being able to post anything pretty much the entirety of February. I miss blogging and being productive in this way a lot. So I’m going to start off March right and start posting like I used to again.

Thanks for reading! Also, thanks for bearing with me. It’s been a whirlwind of a couple of months. I’m hoping that things start getting better very soon.

-Till next time!

My Dad: An Update

So yesterday was an overall great day. I started my Halloween playlist. Went to work, at the end blasted out Disney songs and sang along with my coworker. I even danced a bit (which I do at home more often now, but at work I try not to).

However, how good the day was, was a miracle. Before work my sister told me that through a recent blood test that my dad indeed has cancer. Even if I already suspected. Already pretty much knew. It devastated me.

My dad is 70 years old. His health hasn’t been good for a long while now and I’m afraid that because of how long everything has taken to diagnose that.. it might be too late. I hope that it isn’t, but honestly I know that the whole thing is entirely out of my hands. All I can do is pray. All I can do is try to enjoy the moments I have right now.

My dad doesn’t know yet. He won’t know until probably the next visit. I don’t think it’s going to go well. I wish this wasn’t what was happening right now.

And I can’t stop moving forward. I can’t stop working. If he passed.. I couldn’t stop working. I’m stuck. I hate thinking about these things, but I can’t ignore them. I don’t have much of a choice.

So for now, I’m just taking things one day at a time. Like I always have. It’s truly all I can do. If you can keep my family in your prayers.. or if you don’t believe send well-wishes.. thoughts.. anything really.

Recently, I’ve been really really lucky. I’ve had a lot of good people come into my life. I found the love of my life. I feel more mentally stable then I ever have. In the wake of one of the most difficult times ever I am doing ok. The road ahead is going to be really really difficult, but I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful community there for me through it all.

Thanks for reading! I wish this could have been good news. I really do. The only way to go is forward.

-Till next time!

Freedom From Netgalley

I am finally.. finally free from my Netgalley obligations!!! That’s right.. completely and totally free!

I do not have a 100% feedback ratio. Because of the way I requested books at one point a lot of the books became unavailable because I took to long to get to them.. I am NEVER over requesting books again. From now on.. it’s one or two at a time.

Look at that 87% feedback rating… feels so good! I feel badly about the 15 novels that fell through the cracks.. some of them I didn’t review because they were problematic and I didn’t want to read them and others because I didn’t manage my time right and no longer had access to those books, but I got to a majority of the books and it feels like a true success!

I’m going to steer clear of Netgalley for a while.. I have quite a few books on my shelves and ebooks that I want to get to. I have some books on my shelves I should have read a LONG time ago, but now I am free to read what I want. Maybe I’ll reread a few things. Who knows? I might request the occasional Netgalley read, but for now my book shelves look really good to me.

This Netgalley clean-up took months! I kinda messed things up for myself when I did my book a day thing for the longest time.. it burned me out. Especially writing reviews all the time. It made me so unhappy with my blog and I just wanted to get back to writing posts the way I used to… daily, but whatever I wanted. It’d be nice to do some tags again. I have a couple of projects I’m thinking of doing. All I know is.. it feels good to be free!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

Check out my Twitter and Instagram!

-Till next time!

Getting Back Into Routine

To many of you, this post might seem a bit odd. I’ve been pretty active with blogging recently and I’ve fallen back in love with the process of it and in general have spoken about my overall productivity being pretty good recently.

A few days ago, I wrote about Saying Goodbye to my Current WIP with the full intention of diving straight into my next project, but on day one I only ended up writing about 600 words (which isn’t bad) and I ended up shaving off part of my fingernail on accident and I took all of that as a sign to take a mini break. Plus, in general I wanted to celebrate a lot of amazing things that have been happening in my life recently. Including the biggest reason I wanted to celebrate being finding the most amazing person ever. (Actually this was more brought on by my happiness with them then..you know…finishing a draft) I’m going to pretend I just needed a break.

So I decided to give myself a few days of just doing as much as I’ve wanted and letting myself watch some movies I’ve wanted to see and generally not being upset if I don’t end the day with everything I usually would have done..done. This means that I’ve posted on here every day and written poetry and read, but just didn’t force myself to complete every little task I would normally take care of.

It’s been a time of such pure happiness. Even when I’m at work I’m not fazed by anything that might normally bring down my mood. I’ve laughed and enjoyed time with my family in a way that hasn’t really happened since I was a kid. I didn’t think that happiness could fuel others happiness like that. In the face of these past few months I feel like I’m a different person.

I’ve decided that I’m going to keep this minimal schedule for a few more days and to start working on writing my new draft then. After that it’s back to my stricter schedule, but hopefully there will still be time left open for general enjoyment. I’m just going to take everything in and let my creative well fill up.

I’ve decided that my new horror WIP draft is going to be a 90 day rough draft due December 7th.. 10 days before my birthday. That way I can do something like this with a little extra stuff to think about celebrating. It’s going to be a ton of fun!

Sometimes a lack of productivity isn’t failure. Sometimes it’s an act of self care. Sometimes it is the need to celebrate life and what beauty the world has given you. Especially in light of darker times. I want to bask in this feeling I have right now. I know that the feeling is going to stay for a long time, but I really want to revel in it. We all deserve that at one time or another.

If any of you are interested in what my schedule is actually like and the tasks that I commit to doing let me know!

Thanks for reading! I would love to hear all of your thoughts. Do you ever feel the need to have a week or a few days to let yourself do as you please? What are some things you do for self care?

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-Till next time!

Life Update: My Dad, Productivity, and My WIP

Hello everyone! It’s been a really intense couple of weeks as a lot of you know. For a while my dad was in the hospital for kidney failure and was lucky enough to have his kidneys saved.

Right now he’s home and recovering, but not out of the woods yet. We still have to fix the cause of the problem, but I don’t know when that will be. All I can say is that I am happy to have him home and to see him walking around. Although he isn’t eating as well as he should.

While he was in the hospital I still had to go to work as we couldn’t afford to loose the money for bills and food and now hospital expenses. It was hard for a while waking up at six am with my family so we could all head to the hospital to help my dad get set up for breakfast. At least having him home now all our sleep has been much better.

One day when I got off of work and my mom brought me home she told me that while she and my sister were at the hospital my dad was telling the nurses that I was a writer and how proud he was of me. He said how I was writing books and that one day I would write songs with him. Knowing that made me feel so many emotions.

My dad doesn’t like books. He has never been one to read. Every time I would show him books that I loved from my shelves he would push them away saying, “too many books!” And yet he was proud of me for working towards my writing. That meant the world.

Because of him I knew I had to stop wallowing and continue going strong with my writing so that I could one day have him see a book of mine published. Even if he didn’t end up reading it just the feeling that he cares would be enough to make me happy.

So since then I’ve worked hard to be productive. I have utilized my time to write not just for my WIP, but for poetry and this blog. Showing him that his love is the reason for the strength I have to keep moving forward is important to me. While my dad may not be my biological father he is the man that has given me the world. I love him so much.

On another note, my current WIP has caused me heartache and literal tears as the story changes on me with twists I didn’t even see coming. I love all my characters so much and even and maybe especially the “bad” ones. Finding my climax and my tentative ending was a surprise and my now 26,000 word manuscript is starting to shape up into the story it was meant to tell.

The original idea was this: a ya soulmate fantasy romance that showed soulmates that didn’t hate each other and treat each other terribly.

It is crazy to think that the story it is now is so much more then that. To the point that the romance itself is of very little importance in comparison to the sheer amount of conflict I force my characters to endure. I’m slowly working to create a book that I would consider to be a fantastic read and with the ideas I’m coming up with I’m thinking that that book is well and on the way.

The one thing I realized however is that the current manuscript as it stands is not really a first draft, but more of a zero draft. When I finally finish this zero draft, hopefully by the end of the month, the amount of overhauling and change I’m going to have to put this through makes it more of a ground zero. A decent center point to where I can form my more detailed and much stronger storyline.

This zero draft might not end up being all that long, but what’s important is all the major parts are in play. I am so happy that this WIP has changed so much. All I wanted to do was prove to myself that I could write a fantasy and what I got has turned out to have the potential to be a great fantasy. I believe in this story now more then ever!

Thanks for reading! Let me know your thoughts down in the comments below.

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-Till next time!

Life Update: My Dad is Home!

First off, I want to say thank you to the outpouring of love, prayer, and support over the last few days. It has meant so much to my family and I.

My dad is still sick and he is going to have routine doctor’s appointments for a long time, but it feels much better now that he is home. I am still very worried about him. He isn’t eating very much, even though he looks a bit stronger now then he looked at the hospital.

My dad is in his 70’s. He has changed so much from when I was little. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you love become a shell of who they used to be.

My mom is urging me to get back on track and start being productive again with my blogging and writing. It will be difficult for a while, but I’m willing to start moving forward. My dad too wants me to keep writing.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a happy post. My dad is home and I have a lot of things to look forward to.

Thanks so much for being here!

-Till next time!

Life Update: Please Send Well-wishes/Prayers

Hi everyone.

My dad has been sick for a while and we finally took him to the hospital yesterday. It was lucky we did because his kidneys were beginning to fail. We arrived at the hospital at 11 and spent over 11 hours as they worked in emergency to save him and transferred him over to be admitted into the hospital.

I just want him to be well.

We are headed over there early today to be there for him for whatever he needs. Just seeing him in the hospital looking so small, so delicate… I would love for him to be home and well as soon as possible.

They haven’t fixed the cause of the almost failure, but the doctors are working on figuring out what went wrong.

I’m not sure how I’ll be able to keep doing all the things I have been doing, but I know that my mom wants me to continue normally as much as possible. As for posting I might be more sporadic then usual… or I might throw myself into things more because it’s a great distraction from getting really depressed.

Anyway, I am emotionally and physically tired and I am just hoping for any prayers I can get. It’s so hard seeing the man I love so much, my dad, looking like a small shell of his former being.

Thanks for reading.

-Till next time.

Writing Update!

So as many of you know I participated in Camp Nano last month. What many of you don’t know however, is that I completely failed it. Which I am honestly not surprised by. You see writing and I have a relationship that has been more tooth and nail then harmony and while I always push myself to start off really strong it never lasts long.

However, recently I have had a breakthrough. The WIP that I was writing for Camp Nano will be written and for now I have given myself the deadline to be finished by August 28th, 2018. Of which is as of now a fixed date. As of right now, due to reworking how I want the story to go and revamping the world and the magical system and changing up the beginning I have scrapped about 10,000 words leaving me with 5,000 to start building my first draft from. The deadline is three months, but I hope to prove to myself that I can finish it a bit before that time and if I do I will let you all know.

The other part of my update is that I have two other projects that I am working on alongside my fantasy WIP. Both are very personal works that deal with telling the story of my life so far in two different mediums. The first is the long abandoned Confessions of a Teenage Writer that deals with writing and writerly struggles, but is turning into a self-help book where I share my experiences, rejecting and refunding my passion, and the crazy happenings that have me washed ashore on my life as it is now. You can read the beginnings of this novel that I began out of joy and hope on wattpad here. I thought about removing it, but I am thinking that as I rewrite it pieces of this beginning will be there, but it will be far different then it was before. Plus its a wonderful memory to keep it on there as is to look back on in the future,

The second is a poetry collection of works that tell fragments of my memory and my past, my relationship with my family who shares no blood relation, my inner demons, and dealing with the emotions that I have carried on my back for far too long. It is inspired by a part of All of This is True where the author character in the novel writes a novel which weight becomes the defining weight of her grief. I want to see the weight of my past in physical form if only I can move from it graciously.

I hope that announcing these three projects keeps me accountable for them. I have a habit of rejecting my own voice. I hope that starting out my writing career with such personal works (balanced on the pendulum of the fantasy) I can better accept myself and move forward in my writing without fear.

Thank you so much for reading! I am so grateful to share this part of my journey with you all. I am committing myself to a restart in this life of mine. I hope that what is created from it will be something that I am proud to share with all of you in the months and years to come.

-Till next time!